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            Showing posts with label The Single Files.
            Showing posts with label The Single Files.

            Tuesday, October 18, 2011

            The Top 5 Secrets to Online Dating Revealed

            who brings to us this guest post on being successful in online dating. As usual, show our guest some love, you know where.]

            We use the internet for everything short of brushing our teeth for us, so why not use it for searching for someone with whom to share a meaningful relationship? Maybe dating the conventional way has been less than successful for you and the idea of venturing into cyberspace for that special friend has crossed your mind…so if you’re ready to give it a try and dive head first into the massive online dating pond, be sure and check out the top five secrets to making the experience of fishing for the perfect catch worthwhile:

            Secret #1: Post a picture. Let’s face it—faces are important, and no one wants to end up with what’s behind mystery door #3. A clear, up close, solo photograph of yourself is the first thing that singles will notice and it will guide them to check out your dating profile. In fact, online singles with a profile picture get about eight times the response of those who don’t post a picture. So even if you’re uncomfortable about your looks, this will be your chance to be brave and get over some of your insecurities. You can find some decent human beings who will be interested in what you have to offer on the inside—not on the outside.

            Safety tip: Never meet an online friend in person if they don’t have a picture. It’s important that you know what your date looks like to be sure that they are who they say they are.
            Secret #2: Just be yourself. One of the most important rules when it comes to dating by any method, being yourself is going to be your best bet when trying to get lucky in love. Remember that honesty is the best policy—this means don’t tell someone you drive a Ferrari when you’ve got a Ford Focus sitting in your garage. Be truthful when disclosing pictures, info on your profile, and through exchanges with cyber singles. If online communication should happen to flourish into an in-person meeting, you’re going to feel pretty ridiculous when trying to explain the extra 50 pounds that you photo-shopped out of the picture on your dating profile. Remember, the truth always comes out in the end.
            Safety tip: If you are engaging in contact with someone via online dating site, watch for inconsistencies in their stories and information. If you pick up on any lies, it is best that you cut the communication—you don’t want to fall into the trap of a lying, cheating con artist.
            Secret #3: Keep the communication cool. Online dating offers many unique tools that you can use to interact with internet singles—online chat, email, webcam chat, etc. In these first communications with someone who could be a potential match, it is important to treat the conversation as you would on a traditional first date. Make sure to keep the topics light—don’t cover anything heavy such as your ideas on how to handle the country北京体彩网官方网站’s debt crisis, your crazy ex or the diagnosis from your latest doctor’s visit.
            Safety tip: When chatting up singles on the web, be sure to never give out personally identifying information. This includes your 北京体彩网官方网站 address, place of business, phone number, personal email address, etc.
            Secret #4: Know when to call it quits. Most online singles will engage in communication over the internet and phone for about three weeks before going on their first face-to-face date. If you find that you’ve been going strong for three months and there’s no sign of taking things to an in-person level, there’s a good chance that you’re never going to see your online friend offline. So if you’re looking for more than a pen-pal, consider saying goodbye.
            Safety tip: It is important to watch for signs of an online scammer who is looking to gain access to your wallet or someone who may have a wedding band around their left ring finger and a spouse and kids in the next room. If anyone should make you feel uncomfortable or give you a shady vibe—listen to your gut and cease communication. Anyone pursuing you for the right reasons will understand and respect your need for protection.
            Secret #5: Go on a safe first date. With the millions of singles signed up to online dating sites, there is a good chance of meeting someone who is legit enough to hang with the likes of you. That being said, there is also a chance of running into someone who would better the world by being locked up in a padded cell. So when the time is appropriate to stage a first in-person date, your chances of success grow when you play it as safe as possible.
            Safety tip: Always meet in a crowded, public place and be sure to let a friend or family member know where you’re going and who you’ll be with. Remain aware of your surroundings—as much as you think you might need a cocktail to soothe your nerves, be sure to keep the alcoholic beverages to a minimum. And lastly, have fun and enjoy your date!
            Question: Have you tried internet dating before? If so, what has your experience been like? Is it easier than the traditional dating scene? Care to share any success or horror stories?

            Friday, August 12, 2011

            Is Interracial Dating The Answer To Black Women's Economic Woes?!?

            , but it was emailed to me only about 400 times this week alone. It's not a particularly new topic, but since it appeared in the Wall Street Journal and has somewhat of an economic angle, I figured why not discuss it. Plus, it's Friday. Sooooo....

            Nearly 70% of black women are unmarried, and the racial gap in marriage spans the socioeconomic spectrum, from the urban poor to well-off suburban professionals. Three in 10 college-educated black women haven't married by age 40; their white peers are less than half as likely to have remained unwed.

            What explains this marriage gap? As a black man, my interest in the issue is more than academic. I've looked at all the studies—the history, the social science, the government data—and I've spent a year traveling the country北京体彩网官方网站 interviewing scores of professional black women. In exchange for my promise to conceal their identities (in part by using pseudonyms, as I've done here), they shared with me their most personal experiences and desires in relation to marriage and family.

            I came away convinced of two facts: Black women confront the worst relationship market of any group because of economic and cultural forces that are not of their own making; and they have needlessly worsened their situation by limiting themselves to black men. I also arrived at a startling conclusion: Black women can best promote black marriage by opening themselves to relationships with men of other races.

            Black women lead by far the most segregated intimate lives of any minority group in the U.S. They are less than half as likely as black men to wed across racial lines. Only about 1 in 20 black women are interracially married.

            Part of the reason, again, is the market. Numerous studies of Internet dating confirm that black women are the partners least desired by non-black men.

            What would happen if more black women opened themselves to the possibility of marrying non-black men?

            To start, they might find themselves in better relationships. Some professional black women would no doubt discover that they are more compatible with a white, Asian or Latino coworker or college classmate than with the black guy they grew up with, who now works at the auto shop.

            By opening themselves to relationships with men of other races, black women would also lessen the power disparity that depresses the African-American marriage rate. As more black women expanded their options, black women as a group would have more leverage with black men. Even black women who remained unwilling to love across the color line would benefit from other black women's willingness to do so.

            It's hard to resist the paradoxical possibility that, if more black women married non-black men, then more black men and women might, in time, marry each other.
            The story, written by a black college professor is rambling and somewhat incoherent, but the general premise is that since marriage is a good economic move and black women aren't getting married because there aren't enough brothas available, wouldn't black women (and by extension, the black community as a whole) be better off marrying white guys? It also asserts that instead of black women treating black men like a rare commodity, intentionally dating white guys would trigger a power shift that will have brothas come running back, engagement rings in tow.

            Or something like that. Again, it's Friday.

            , and come back here to share your general thoughts.

            Question: Would dating white guys put black women on a more even playing field, and thus help them regain some of the leverage lost with black men?

            Friday, February 4, 2011

            The Single Files™ Episode 3 - OneChele Returns.

            . She's also that you'd probably enjoy. Today, she weighs in on the silly power struggle over who's supposed to call who, and when. Damn, I'm happy I'm married and don't have to deal with that sh*t no more. Show our guest some love you-know-where.]

            Someone please cue up Prince’s version of "How Come U Don’t Call Me Anymore" and hum along with me, won’t you? No? Okay, I’ll get to my point.

            Over in BougieLand, we have frequent (far too many probably) discussions about relationships. Recently we had a girl write in and ask for advice. No I’m not a relationship advisor, I sometimes play one on the blogosphere. This young lady met a guy, they vibed, exchanged phone numbers. He texted and called for four days straight and then… nothing. It was a few days later and she had heard nada. She asked what she should do.

            A seemingly innocent question erupted into chaos in the comment section. A majority of the females said for her to forget about him and move on. If he wanted her, he would call. Since he hadn’t, he didn’t. They further went on to caution her not to call or initiate anything so that she wouldn’t be stuck in the role of aggressor. The men overwhelming thought she should at least call and say “Hey”. They said sometimes if a man has done all the initiating, he would like some sort of a sign (like a phone call) that he’s not the only one with some stake in the game.

            in which I shared my thoughts that men should be the hunters. Women shake a tailfeather, men chase – basically. If a rabbit jumps in a man’s lap begging to be stew meat, that’s one desperate rabbit. It was a metaphor. Please don’t come at me y'all – where’s your feminism?

            But a phone call? That seemed a simple enough request. But then I recall the lifelong drama over phone calls. It was bad enough “back in the day” when a man said “I’ll call you” and didn’t. One of my all time pet peeves. Don’t even put it out there if you don’t plan on calling. Just say, “It was nice seeing you” “Had a great time” or even “Drop dead” – all of that is better than “I’ll call you later” followed by silence.

            But now with the advent of texting and tweeting and emailing and whatnot… you have to conclude that if you don’t hear from somebody – they are just not that into you. Other red flags? If you leave a message for someone and they return it with a text. And now you have the young ‘uns that say they “don’t talk on the phone” at all. They only text. What part of the game is that? You can’t get the same inflections, tones and nuances from 140 characters that you can infuse into a five minute conversation.

            But I’m old school.

            Question: Does the balance of power in a relationship really hinge on who initiates the most phone calls? Ladies, if a guy suddenly stops calling, do you call him? Fellas, how long do you typically wait to call/text a lady after you meet her for the first time?

            Friday, January 28, 2011

            The Single Files™ Episode 2 - CH555X.

            [Editor's Note: The Single Files™ continues with some real talk from AverageNation™ regular CH555X. With all this talk about how hard it is for black women to find a good mate, I figured he should get an AverageBro's side of the story. Show our guest some love you-know-where.]

            Why are you still single?

            My area of eastern TN isn't known for a robust African-American population (just outside the so-called black belt). This means the pool of available black females is small. I have no problems with other racial groups, but as I mentioned, this is eastern TN, so that pool is even smaller. I work at a local university that's been known as a commuter school, so this place clears out like it's summer on the weekend. This also means that whatever females go to the university are from out of town or state (even country北京体彩网官方网站) and once graduation hits...poof!

            The area is also lacking in extracurricular activities that I find interesting. Not into hiking, hunting, or bar-hopping. That means road trip and that's not in the budget. To put this in perspective, I went to Vegas a few years ago, browsed the numerous casinos (and catching some views of the ladies), and a thought came across: the lowest, off-the-radar, so that leaves me with being one of three things: an up-and-coming professional on the move (not there yet), a "stepfather" (not wanting to deal with any ex-spouses or children) or a player of young/older females (didn't work when I arrived and age is catching up). This is not to say I've never encountered women (handful), but I theorize that had I been living in western TN (Memphis), I'd be married or would have a lot more options by now. Online dating for this area is a J-O-K-E! See the reasons above.

            Was there ever "one that got away"?

            There really wasn't that many to begin with, but there was one girl I encountered during my community college days. We had a class together and just so happened to be placed in a group for an assignment. The trouble was I was young and had the "hit-it & quit it" mentality mixed in with "being responsible". I think she was also a little quick herself as evident with her interest within a span of a few days, but that's another story...;)

            Of course, the parents coming 北京体彩网官方网站 early the particular day I brought her 北京体彩网官方网站 "to study" didn't help matters, so the "hit-it & quit it" mentality got tossed. Placed some distance between her and I, then decided to just call it quits (trying to be a gentleman at that age). That's one I really regret since that was around near graduation and we were going our separate ways. Ironically, I said to myself that I'd run into plenty more where that came from after transferring to a bigger school (current workplace)...o_O

            What's it really like out there for a single black man?

            To me in general, it's not too bad. You're on your own schedule and can make free choices without asking. There's also the issue of finances, where you're not concerned about extra mouths running around to feed. Honestly, I prefer to have a lady to come 北京体彩网官方网站 to, but if it doesn't happen, there's always the Vegas desert!

            Question: Does where you live have a profound effect on your dating life? What cities are the best for black singles? Does CH555X need to move to Memphis?

            Friday, January 21, 2011

            The Single Files™ Episode 1 - OneChele.

            . She's also that you'd probably enjoy. Today, she weighs in on the societal pressures a woman faces when everyone asks the silly question "So, Why Aren't You Married Yet?". Show our guest some love you-know-where.]

            I’m Single Cuz I’m not Married. Period?

            According to the mainstream media, assorted pundits and blogosphere, as an unmarried African-American woman of a certain age, with a certain lifestyle, income and education – I should just buy Snuggies in a rainbow array of colors and invest in a lifelong subscription to Cat Fancy magazine.

            I respectfully decline. I feel like I should form a new group called Singles Anonymous. Hi, I’m Michele. I’m chronically single. My cyber-homie AB asked me to write a post on why I’m still single… and just because I love him so… I did not hop a flight to the DMV burbs and toilet-paper his domicile.

            It’s my least favorite question in the world. The real thing people want to know when they ask you this question is – What happened to you, does nobody want you and are you okay with it? It automatically puts you in a defensive position. You have to get across that you are desirable, you’re good being alone and you need to project the right amount confidence (not arrogance) and acceptance (not resignation).

            Personally, I have a set number of answers for this question ranging from the ubiquitous “I haven’t met the right person yet” to a lengthy historical diatribe of dating woes reaching back to the mid-90s.

            The truth lies somewhere in between. Honestly, I probably have met the right person. More than once. Timing, circumstances, missteps and poor judgment (by both parties) spelled ultimate doom for those relationships. I’ve definitely met a lot of Mr. Wrongs as well.

            An ex-S/O called out of the blue last week (as they are known to do) to catch up for the new year. [Sidebar: Folks, this is unnecessary. If I wanted to catch up, I would have done so in the preceding eleven months. Chances are if you haven’t heard from me in that time frame – I’m good with that. Moving on.] After a minute or so of small talk, he confided that he had “done something crazy” over New Year’s weekend. He had gone to Vegas with his current girlfriend and decided “what the heck, let’s get married.” He paused to get my reaction.


            This is the same dude that said he just couldn’t “do right” to maintain a “grown-up relationship” for a few months at a time. And he got married? This floored me on a number of levels. One of them, yes, being the petty “why her and not me?” level. Not that I wanted to marry him, it was the principal of the thing. But before I could work up a good pity party, he started talking again.

            “Well, you know – she’s put in the time. She looks good enough. And I figured it’s time for a ball and chain. I mean, if it doesn’t work out we can just go to Mexico, right?”

            What was he planning a major relationship shift for every vacation? It’s at times like these when it all becomes as clear as a desperate starlet’s blouse on the red carpet. There are far worse things than being single… I could be married to that guy.

            So long story short: I’m still single because when (if) I do get married, I want to feel like it’s going to be forever (not just because my frequent flier miles are about to expire).

            Question: If you're single, how often are you asked this question? Does it annoy you?

            Thursday, January 20, 2011

            AB.com Presents... The Single Files™

            . Pixels rool.

            On that note, I thought it would be interesting to go beyond the morbid stats and sensationalized nature of the mainstream media and get the real life stories of a handful of real life single black folks. Our new series The Single Files™, will do just that.

            A few of my blogging buddies and some members of AverageNation™ (both male and female) will weigh in with their experiences in the dating pool, their worst dates evar, thoughts about the institution of marriage, and general hilarity.

            This won't be a series for everyone, but I hope you tune in anyway, even if it's just to swap war stories.

            The first in this sure-to-be-groundbreaking series runs here tomorrow, and The Single Files™ will be a regularly recurring feature. Tune in.

            - Jay