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            Showing posts with label Crap Music.
            Showing posts with label Crap Music.

            Thursday, October 6, 2016

            Of Gangsta Rap Radio Edits, Precocious Kids & Bad Parenting...

            I drop my kids off at school every morning. Obviously, this presents an issue because I want to listen to music that I like, but they are seven and four years old. So a fair compromise is to let them listen to classic rap instrumentals. I get a beat I can ride to, they can bop along in the back seat and they don't get polluted with grown-up messages. Win win.

            So anyway, an instrumental they absolutely love is Snoop Dogg's "It Ain't No Fun". We've listened to it every morning for the past 2 weeks. My daughter (who is 4) asked me could she "hear the words" to the song. Of course I'm a responsible adult and wouldn't do that to my kids. Instead, I went on YouTube and found the song labeled "It Aint No Fun" (extra extra clean version). I'm thinking, what's the worst that can happen if they bleep out half of the words anyway? Press play.

            Well the song gets about 4 bars in and Nate Dogg's already said "open up your gap" and I'm quickly going for the pause button to close the app but I have to swerve suddenly (I am driving after all. Judge me.) and the phone slides across the seat where I can't reach it. Before I can reach for the volume, Nate is already at the "next time I'm feelin' kinda horn-aaaay" part and I'm feeling like the worst black father of all time.

            I cut the song off, and silently pray that my kids are not going to ask me what they've just heard. But of course they are smart kids, so my daughter asks "Dad what is horny?"

            "Like rhino honey. Like a rhino. It has horns."

            "So the man feels like a rhino? That's a weird thing to sing about,"
            says my 7 year old son.

            We'll just stick with the instrumentals until they're teens.

            Thursday, May 19, 2016

            When Did R&B Music Become So Foul-Mouthed?!?

            [Editor's Note: Yeah, the blog's back. In a limited capacity, but back nonetheless.]

            As a guy now firmly entrenched in his (early) 40's with a wife, 3 kids, a day job and a mortage, I find myself frequently revisiting my youth via the magic of Spotify. While I'm perfectly content listening to what passes for "hip hop" nowadays, I've got the illest 80's and 90's R&B playlists. Sorry, I just can't listen to today's R&B, and I'm not even sure if the genre, on which a rapper is featured more than the singer, even properly qualifies as R&B anymore.

            Diet Drake ripoffs like Bryson Tiller and Tory Lanez are what pass for R&B today. Sure, there's still plenty of old man R&B being made that plays on the "grown and sexy" stations in most urban markets, but who wants to hear Keith Washington and Will Downing? Not even me, and I own albums those guys made. So yeah, I just stick with the older stuff, because the newer stuff sucks.

            Case in point is many R&B artist's (new?) tendency to talk sh*t and curse. Not that this is anything new. As you purists will surely tell me, R&B singers like Millie Jackson and Clarence Carter have trafficked in low brow, crude content since the 60's. The difference is, those songs, and those artists were always seen as a novelty of sorts. A comical sideshow, not the norm.

            Now, you can't listen to a song without being serenaded by curse words and called a "nigga". I just pulled up a random playlist on Spotify and played the first 10 or so songs. Rihanna ("Needed Me"), Tiller ("Exchange"), Tinashe ("Ride Of Your Life"), Chris Brown ("Back To Sleep"), Lanez ("Say It"), and Eric Bellinger ("Valet") all had the same recurring themes of sex, cheating, revenge and retaliation with enough curse words to make Samuel Jackson blush. If a generation of black kids are being raised on this sorta sh*t, what chance do we have to flourish as a people?


            By comparison, a random song from my 90's playlist, Monifah's "I Miss You", sounds like a relic of another era. Which is sorta is. And I like that. A lot.

            You youngsters can keep that ratchet sh*t. I'll stick with my oldies.

            Question: Do I have any valid points about how awful today's R&B music is, or do I just sound like the suburban soccer dad I've morphed into?

            Wednesday, January 14, 2015

            2 Chainz Is Now A Cable News Pundit.

            CNN/HLN should just get it over with and air Ron Popeil informercials 24 hours a day. I mean, seriously, what production assistant thought this was a good idea? I'm happy to see 2 Chainz trying to reinvent himself again since his 15 minutes have long since expired, but everyone involved in this spectacle takes a serious "L".

            This was supposed to be a debate about decriminalization of marijuana. I don't know exactly what to call what it turned into. Actually, on second thought I do: The Nancy Grace Show.

            Question: Who won this debate?

            Tuesday, November 11, 2014

            Ashy Or Classy?!? Fat Joe Leans Back Into A Pyramid Scheme.

            I believe the operative term is "multilevel marketing", but seriously, it's the same sh*t. Any business in which you have to recruit others under you to prosper is a damn pyramid. No matter what "business services" they might be peddling. I can't really hate on Fat Joe for this though. Rap doesn't come with a 401k Plan. Big Pun been dead. There will not be Lean Back Part II. So yeah, do whatever you gotta do to avoid becoming Joey Crack again. This is semi-Ashy tho.

            Question: Ashy Or Classy? Would you sign up for Fat Joe's Invisible Train? Have you ever been suckered into a MLM scheme?

            Thursday, November 6, 2014

            T-Pain Singing Without Autotune Is Awesome. And Sad.

            [Editor's Note: I'm giving the thinkpiece treatment to a web video about a has-been singer. Yeah, it's that kinda day. You thought I'd be talking about the election results?]

            Yeah, I realize I'm a few days late with this one. Whatever, I've been working. It happens. In any event, the Internets were going Nuts earlier this week when a video of T-Pain doing an edition of NPR Music Tiny Desk Concert made the rounds. Most of the comments expressed amazement that Teddy Pinned Her A$$ Down could actually carry a tune without the assistance of a computer. And after having watched this myself, I found it enjoyable, and sad at the same time.

            I'm not exactly shocked that T-Pain can carry a tune. The guy is naturally talented. He can rap better than 75% of the numbskulls on the radio right now, can write songs, is funny, and probably would have made the transition to TV/acting if he had a more foreward looking manager. Well, that, and Jay-Z's "Death Of Autotune", a mostly pointless and forgettable song that somehow convinced people that T-Pain was lame and essentially stalled his career.

            I guess the more surprising thing here is that people thought T-Pain couldn't sing. I mean, come on, seriously? What's the likelihood that a husky darkskinned guy from Tallahassee would get put on if he couldn't sing in the first place? Making it as an R&B singer today requires some level of talent after all. What's sad is that the industry's so screwed up that an otherwise talented person had to resort to using a gimmick to be relevant. In a different era, T-Pain woulda been Jeffrey Osborne or Peabo Bryson, and might not be reduced to singing songs about bartenders and a$$es to get airplay. But alas, this is not such an era. R&B sucks, "urban radio" is unlistenable, and I've got Little Dragon in my headphones a whole lot of late.

            Here's to hoping T-Pain using his newfound (fleeting?) notoriety to get his career back on track.

            Eff' an autotune.

            Question: Were you shocked that T-Pain could actually sing.

            Thursday, October 30, 2014

            About That Bobby Shmurda Audition Video....

            If you haven't heard "Hot N*gga", don't know what the "Shmoney Dance" is, or generally have decent taste in music, you might wanna sit this one out. I don't have the time, energy, or inclination to describe the fleeting one-hit-wonder known as Bobby Shmurda. I just hope he, that weirdo who sings "Club Goin' Up On A Tuesday", and Trinidad James all have good financial handlers. Because they're all gonna be back to working the 3rd shift at Wendy's at some point, and the folks who pull up at the drive-thru are gonna have plenty of material to rag them about.

            Case in point.

            That, my friends, is what is often referred to as coonery. Apparently when he went to Epic to negotiate his record deal, Shmurda put on an impromptu concert with a medley of his biggest hits. And yeah, it was cringeworthy. Look at the white women in the first row. They look like they've just been street harassed at their Day Job. Look at the (smattering of) black folks. They look like "did I just spend $150k on an Columbia education to deal with this sh*t?"

            I could make a larger point about how indicative this is of the current state of hip-hop, but whatever. I'm more interested about how "behind closed doors" meetings somehow get recorded and go viral. What's up with that?

            Question: Does this make you sadder for Bobby Shmurda or the handful of "black record company execs" in the room?

            Monday, August 4, 2014

            The Most Literal Rap Video Shoot You'll Ever See.

            , The Man, or autotune for this. Personally, I blame Bobby Shmurda, but that's just me.
            Early Saturday morning, a music video shoot at a Bronx bodega turned violent after one member of a rap duo reportedly opened fire on his partner, wounding him in the head, legs, and chest. According to the bodega's owner, the shooting was triggered by an argument over who was the video's star.

            "They were fighting over who's the star, who's better," owner Ali Abdul told the New York Daily News. "They were drunk. They spit at each other then one guy pulled out a gun and shot the other guy five times."

            The gunman, who, as Gothamist notes, never lets go of his drink during the shooting, also repeatedly pistol whipped the 37-year-old victim. The video shows several witnesses casually stepping over the victim as he writhed on the floor in pain. The suspect remains at large; the victim is in critical condition at a local hospital and is expected to survive.
            Here's the video. Do not press play if you're faint of heart.

            Question: What the hell is wrong with these N-words?!?

            Monday, May 19, 2014

            The Ghost Of Michael Jackson Saved The Billboard Music Awards From Abject Mediocrity.

            For reasons unbeknownst to me, my wife and I ended up watching the Billboard Music Awards 2014 last night. When I say "for reasons unbeknownst to me", what I actually mean is that I didn't know 90% of the artists that "performed" last night. I mean, seriously, who the hell were these people? So pop/rock artists just pick their names out of some Random Band Name Generator or something? Maybe it says more about my 40 year old musical tastes than anything else, but I found the overabundance of soft rock and country北京体彩网官方网站 music performances a little offputting. They coulda just renamed this the "Sh*t You Only Hear At Gold's Gym/On Budweiser Commercial Awards" and kept it movin'.

            Anyways, I'm a huge Michael Jackson fan, like approximately 65% of the rest of the world. Seeing MJ in concert was on my Bucket List until he unexpectedly bought the farm a couple of years ago, so the dream was deferred. But lo and behold, thanks to the magic of CGI, Cyber MJ showed up at last night's awards, reminding us that while this hologram gimmick was cool with Cyber Pac, it was bound to eventually just end up being corny/creepy. That day just arrived.

            I sure hope you caught that, because the litigious folks at ABC/Disney are gonna yank it from Youtube any moment now. Cause Cyber MJ's gotta go on tour sooner or later to keep paying off all his creditors. Hit play already!

            When a computer generated hologram is the highlight of your show, you know you done f*cked up (right?).

            Question: Who was better: Cyber Pac or Cyber MJ? Did you find the Billboard awards every bit as lame and boring as I did?

            Monday, April 7, 2014

            Is Jay-Z A Five Percenter?!? Of Course Not.

            Black people are the fathers and mothers of civilization, white men are the devil, the Christian god is nothing more than a ghost and only a small percentage of people understand the world.

            These are just some of the ­beliefs behind the bling — the gaudy Five Percent Nation ­medallions worn by Jay Z and Carmelo Anthony.

            Last week, all eyes at the Barclays Center weren’t on Jay Z’s better half, Beyoncé — but on the coaster-size golden pendant swinging from the rapper’s neck as the couple sat courtside. Asked once if the group’s symbol — an eight-pointed star with the number 7 in the middle — held any meaning for him, the rapper shrugged, “A little bit.”

            So what exactly do Five Percenters believe?

            The rationale is that the black man is God and created the universe, and is physically stronger and intellectually stronger and more righteous naturally,” says Michael Muhammad Knight, an author of two books on the radical group.

            “Whiteness is weak and wicked and inferior — basically just an errant child who needs to be corrected.”

            Some followers take exception to those who transform their flag into a fashion accessory.

            “Jay Z is not an active member — no one has vouched for him” Saladin Allah, a representative of the group’s upstate region, told The Post. “It was always understood that you don’t wear the ­regalia if you don’t totally subscribe to the life.”
            This story should end with that last paragraph. Anyone with common sense and with at least one cousin who dabbled with all that God Body sh*t in the mid 90's should know Jay-Z is just wearing the necklace because it looks sorta cool (which it does) not because he thinks white folks are the devil. Not the very same white folks he sided with in the Barney's controversy last year. Or the same white folks he sided with to evict black tentants via eminent domain to build a basketball arena in Brooklyn. Or the same white folks he's siding with the sell everything from shoes, to headphones, to lousy watered down domestic beer. So yeah, enough of that dumb sh*t. Jay-Z only worships one master. Hint: it's colored green.

            But this being America and all, expect Conservatives to abandon the concept of critical thinking (and google) run with this one and somehow many it about Obama. Because America.

            Seriously, Jigga Man, take that dumb sh*t off.

            Monday, January 27, 2014

            The AB.Com Post-Grammy Open Mic.

            Yeah, I watched it. So did you. Here's a few very random observations. Add yours below.

            Social Activism Disguised As An Awards Show - I'm for marriage equality. I voted for it. If you want to join the ranks of the married, you're more than willing to take the same 50/50 chance the rest of us are. That said, when I tune into a music awards show, I expect music and awards. Not a mass wedding ceremony president over by Bishop Dana Owens, and fiftyeleven songs about alternate lifestyles. There is such a thing as too much, and last night was too damn much. Enough already. And yes, I understand that given who runs Hollywood and the music industry, this was the perfect time for such ceremonies. I get all that. Still, just too much. Stop it.

            Wacklemore Wins Everything - I'm no fan of Macklemore and his oddly mute partner Ryan Lewis. I do understand their appeal. They make catchy pop tunes. They're cleancut. They made that really lame, but really timely "Same Love" song. They more or less ran 2013, and they deserved some acknowledgement for that. But seriously: best Rap Album? Are you f*ckin' kidding me?

            Kendrick Won, Even If He Lost - With the exception of a pretty good musical performance, 2013's most talented breakout artist won nothing, but won everything. What he didn't gain in awards, he more than gained in name/face recognition. And in the entertainment world, that currency matters more than anything.

            Are The Beattles Gods Or Something? - Look, I grew up with a father with some ecclectic listening habits, so I'm well versed in all things Beattles. I acknowledge their artistry and contributions to the world of music. Still, people treat Paul and Ringo like they here's to forgive us of all our sins. Reality is, they're just two supremely talented guys that haven't made a good new song since the Carter Administration. The truth hurts. Own it.

            Beyonce And Jay-Z - I didn't see much of this performance, but my wife did and kept talking about how sloppy/unpolished this was. What did ya'll think?

            I Actually Like Taylor Swift Now - No, I don't like her music. And no, I'm not picking on her for thinking she won an award that she actually didn't. I like her because she seemed to be the only person in the entire building actually having fun, appreciating the musical acts, and generally appreciating what she was experiencing. Call that whatever you want, but I like it.

            I Don't Like Lordes - No need to lie, I hadn't heard "Royals" before last night, and I think it's a terrible overhyped song. What's so great about it? Real talk, I didn't know 90% of the songs, or artists last night? I was just tuned in for the latest Miley Cyrus trainwreck, which oddly didn't even materialize.

            Question: I know you watched it. What did you think?

            Friday, December 20, 2013

            Unlike Me, Kanye West Is (Clearly) Not A Washington Wizards Fan.

            For the record, as a guy who paid good money to suffer through The Jordan Years, I really wish MJ had never played for the Wizards either. Kanye, why did you allow this to happen? Why?

            I know people joke about Kanye a lot, but this is pretty darn brilliant, and it's got a pretty obvious double meaning that anyone who listens closely will pick up on. It's not (just) about MJ, it's about West's very public aspirations (and assorted pains) with trying to break into a fashion industry that won't allow him a genuine level of "ownership". Or maybe that's just me reading waaay too deeply into this.

            Of course, there are a couple of factual inaccuracies here. Jordan didn't "own" the Wizards any more than Magic "owned" the Lakers, or Jay-Z "owned" the Nets. They were all equity partners, but hey, why let that ruin a good rant?

            One thing he's 100% correct about. He did indeed "have to put on a motherf*ckin' Wizards jersey!!!!" and he never, ever should have.

            Thursday, December 19, 2013

            Crude Rap Lyrics, Read By Middle Schoolers.

            This video is going viral, so I'm goin' it. And I (sorta) get the point here. They're basically trying to slut shame black people into not using the N-Word. That tactic is okay, because I think it's a sign of ignorance and shouldn't be used by anyone.

            But seriously, given all the recent debates about who should be able to use the word (and considering who still purchases 75% of rap music), shouldn't there be at least one white kid in this video? Isn't that at least some small part of the problem?

            For the record, I don't use the word nigger. I do love ignorant assed rap music though, and I take every possible safeguard to ensure my kids don't even know such music exists. My 5 year old couldn't pick Beyonce out of a police lineup, but he loves Laurie Berkner and the Despicable Me 2 soundtrack. #parenting

            My point is, I don't think this video is effective beyond the initial shock of hearing a little girl say "I love bad bitches that's my fuckin problem". Would the sort of parent who lets their kid listen to non-radio cuts of 2 Chainz re-evaluate their place in life after watching this? Prolly not.

            And again, where the hell the white kids at!?!?

            Question: What do you think? As a parent, how (if at all) do you monitor what your kids listen to?

            Thursday, November 21, 2013

            Trey Radel, The "Hip Hop Congressman", Arrested In The Least "Hip Hop" Way Possible.

            I don't dabble in recreational drugs. The reasons are many. I don't care for them. I have a family and a Day Job. I'd much rather just play NBA 2K if I wanted an escape from reality.[1] Crack is wack. I could go on, but I suppose you get the point. Still, if I ever did get the urge to procure something to help me get away from it all, I'd prolly be wise enough to use a middle man to carry out the purchase. Why? Because I've listened to more than enough rap music to understand the concept of a weed carrier.

            Namely, get someone with far less to lose and far more okay with taking penetentiary chances to obtain and maintain posession of your illicit substances. It's the way reasonably smart people of reasonable means manage to do things that aren't on the up and up without ending up in the clink. I'm pretty sure it's one of the Ten Crack Commandments, but don't quote me on that. I've been listening to more Roy Ayers than Migos lately, but that's another story for another time.

            Anyways, Florida Tea Party Congressman Trey Radel, a guy who is some notorious for his knowledge of "classic rap music" clearly hasn't been paying enough attention to lyrics, and .
            Florida Republican congressman Trey Radel said he would take a leave of absence from Congress and donate his salary to charity after he pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of cocaine possession. "I'm owning up to my actions. I'm taking responsibility. I'm taking it very publicly," Radel told a group of reporters at a news conference Wednesday night from his Cape Coral, Fla., office.

            Radel acknowledged that he had let down his country北京体彩网官方网站, his family and southwest Florida residents. "I'm struggling with this disease, but I know that I can overcome it," he added. Earlier in the day, Radel appeared in a Washington, D.C. court and was placed on one year's probation with "minimal supervision." The freshman congressman also admitted to being an addict.

            "I've been dealing with this on and off for years. The most important thing is to rely on professionals," Radel told reporters.

            Radel, 37, plans to start "intensive inpatient treatment" immediately. In the meantime, the congressman said he would donate his salary to charity, but his offices would stay open. He gave no indication he was going to resign. Radel was the target of an undercover sting operation, prosecutors told the court earlier in the day.

            Radel, according to sources, first came on the radar of federal authorities when a suspected cocaine dealer under investigation by a joint Drug Enforcement Administration and FBI task force told agents that one of his customers was the Florida congressman. According to prosecutors, confidential sources told authorities that Radel had purchased cocaine "on several occasions" for his own use, and "on occasion" would share that cocaine with others.

            About 10 p.m. on Oct 29, Radel met a confidential source and an undercover law enforcement officer at a Washington restaurant, prosecutors said. At the restaurant, Radel told the two that he had cocaine back at his apartment and said they could go back and use some, according to testimony.

            They declined the offer to share coke with Radel, but the undercover officer said he could sell 3.5 grams to Radel, prosecutors said. Outside the restaurant, Radel gave the undercover $260, and then inside a car, the undercover gave Radel the cocaine, according to prosecutors.

            When Radel stepped outside of the car, federal authorities approached him. He dropped the bag of cocaine on the street. Radel admitted to authorities that he bought cocaine. Ultimately, he and authorities went back to his apartment, where Radel retrieved another vial of cocaine and gave it to authorities, they told the court.
            Lemme guess... Trey Radel's favorite rapper is .

            Get it? 8Ball? 3.5 grams... awww f*ck it.

            I could turn this post into an indictment of Conservatives who preach one thing in public and live otherwise privately, but what's the point? All these guys are ethically shaky. You just don't know it until they get busted. I could also point out that Radel voted in favor of a law that would drug test food stamp recipients, but that's low hanging fruit. I could point out how he's cleverly spinning this as alcohol abuse, not the white pony, but that's just good crisis management. Because we all know Miller Lite is a gateway drug to crack cocaine. Amirite Mayor Rob Ford?!?

            Nah, my biggest problem with this guy is how dumb he is. He's a public figure. Did he really think he could just continually buy directly from a dopeman forever? Surely he's watched enough episodes of The Wire to know that low level dealers do one of two things when busted. Either give up their supplier or a big time customer. That's precisely what happened here, and precisely why this moron ain't hip-hop. No matter how many "hip hop mixes" he makes while on taxpayer dollar in his spare time.

            Next time, hire a coke-carrier, Trey.

            Question: Should this guy step down or get himself some help? Can we blame hip-hop for this also?

            Monday, September 9, 2013

            Ashy Or Classy?!? Eddie Murphy & Snoop Dogg's Reggae Song.

            Few Hollywood stars have made such a dramatic mid-career adjustment as Eddie Murphy. It's hard to believe it now, but if you're under the age of 25, you probably best know Murphy as the wisetalking jackass from the Shrek movies, or maybe as the wisetalking jackass from Daddy Daycare. You likely missed the entire first stage of Murphy's career when he was a wisetalking jackass who bought a Brooklyn street sensibility to Saturday Night Live. Murphy went on make somewhat edgy (for the time) films like 48 Hours, Beverly Hills Cop, and renowned standup specials like Raw. To put it in terms the Twitter Generation (ie: my 17 year old nephew) can understand, Eddie Murphy was Kevin Hart before Kevin Hart.

            That dramatic career reinvention was bought on by an unfortunate encounter with a tranny a desire to spend more time with his kids, and it also overshadowed Murphy's earlier, somewhat comical foray into music. Speaking of musicians who've re-invented themselves, Snoop Lion (formerly Snoop Doggy Dogg and Snoop Dogg) knows a thing or two about the word himself. I'm not diggin' Snoop's reincarnation as a rasta, but hey, whatever. Dude's got 20 years in the game, so I suppose he's entitled.

            I'm sure you're wondering what Eddie Murphy and the Artist Formerly Known as Snoop D-O Double Jizzle have in common. Well, today's your (maybe not-so) lucky day. Because they made a song about it.[1] Like to hear it, here it go...

            I'm no connoisseur of fine cannabis, nor do I like reggae music during any other occasion than when I wander away from Paradise Island. So I can't tell you if this is good or not. So I will refrain from labelling this Ashy Or Classy. I'll just call it Not Turrible. But it's certainly no "Party All The Time".[2]

            Question: Ashy Or Classy? Is this song good, assuming you know anything about reggae?

            [1] I have no idea what this song's about.

            [2] Don't lie. You sorta liked that song and you know it.

            Monday, August 26, 2013

            Would You Twerk To Pay Your Tuition?!?

            My daugher is now 15 months old, and she is truly the apple of daddy's eye. She can do no wrong. No. Wrong. She craps rainbows and her eye boogers prolly taste like Skittles. She is the world's cutest baby by a wiiide margin, and that's not even up for debate. She's a baaadd girl.[1]

            Last night, for the first time, she escaped the crib, which in some odd way let me know she's not a baby anymore. She also talks, sings along the the medley of her favorite Nick Jr. shows, and of yeah, she dances. Anytime music of any sort (gospel, children's music, techno, lullabies) my child immediately starts gyrating up and down. It's a really innocent thing, of course, and the subject of hours of entertainment for our entire family.

            And now, in the most awkward segue of all time (don't worry, I'll tie this all together), I present to you, .
            Who says twerking doesn't pay? Yesterday, Juicy J promised tuition money for the best female twerk champions, tweeting, "im giving out a 50k scholarships to the best chik that can twerk.”

            However, he didn't give up any other details, which means the post could've been a prank or a publicity stunt promoting Stay Trippy, which includes a track called "Scholarships." If the former is true, not everyone in the Twitterverse laughed it off. "Juicy J is giving away a scholarship to the girl who sends in the best twerk video? And my hope for human race is OFFICIALLY gone…," tweeted user @DanaLynn03.

            Others were more than willing to twerk it for college funds and a bunch refused to believe the story all together.

            Juicy eventually deleted the tweets but kept up those regarding Stay Trippy, out next Tuesday (Aug. 27). The release, his first on Wiz Khalifa's Taylor Gang imprint, features A$AP Rocky, Chris Brown, Justin Timberlake, Big Sean, Trina and more.
            Okay, where do I begin here?

            1) While I'm happy that Juicy J has somehow managed to re-invent himself and milk his Grammy win, adding another 3-4 years to his career, I can't help but wonder why a 40 year old man thinks this is a good idea. Does he not have daughters of his own? Nieces? Shouldn't you graduate from this sorta sh*t around age 35?

            2) That said, I can't really pick on this guy for his age when 40 year old rappers seem obsessed with keeping pace with peers half their age. Patron Saint of all cRappers Jay-Z even had a "come to Jesus moment" and said (then retracted, which only made it worse) he'd stop referring to women as b*tches now that he's got a woman to raise. So, no, rappers don't have the greatest track record of acting their age. Does this mean point 1 isn't valid? No.

            3) Isn't this sorta pointless? Isn't the whole "stripping to pay tuition" (as opposed to "because I have Daddy Issues") thing already accepted as a cultural norm? If anyone should be offended, I think it would be exotic dancers.

            4) I won't go as far as to say "twerkin'" is ruining an entire generation of young girls, both black and white (I see ya' Miley), but it's damn sure making them look bad. And unemployable. Seriously, if you know of an underaged girl with a #TwerkTeam video on Youtube, please tell her parents to have that sh*t removed. No, it won't disappear from the internets forever, but damn, at least make it harder for potential employers to Google. Cause yeah, potential employers do look at this stuff.

            5) I suppose I'm supposed to make some grand point about Miley Cyrus now becoming the most famous twerker of all time, and how this makes her a cultural interloper along the lines of Elvis, Justin Timberlake, and Robin Thicke, and how that's an awful thing. Seriously, I ain't got the energy for all that. If the girl wants to twerk, let her twerk. She will be eating off Hannah Montana residuals for the next 50 years. There aren't exactly the same ramifications for her. And besides, it's twerkin', not jazz, not beebop, not rhythm & blues. It's just twerkin'. In the annals of "sh*t I'm perfectly fine with white people claiming", this ranks right up there with the word "bling", The Harlem Shake, and Wayne Brady. Take em' all. Please.

            As for my child, there shall be no twerkin'. Nor will my sons be PIMP Scholars[2]. They will all get into [insert your own prestigious college here] the old fashioned way: Good grades and racial quotas.

            Question: Would you allow your child to apply to be a "Twerk Scholar"? Other than a lame excuse to plug Juicy J's next album (#GrandHu$tle), is there anything more we should infer about this publicity stunt and what it says about the state of hip-hop?

            [1] The fact that she'll someday be gawked at by boys (and men) isn't lost on me at all. And yes, that sh*t keeps me up at night. And yes, I'm considering getting a gun. Just off GP. And no, that's not a joke.

            [2] This was the begining of the end for Nelly. Well, that country北京体彩网官方网站 music song prolly was, but this ain't exactly help.

            Thursday, July 11, 2013

            No, Mainstream Media: Black People Will NOT Riot If George Zimmerman Walks.

            (and seriously, why aren't you? Just .) then you already know how I feel about the state's attorneys. Go read the timeline. I'll spare myself the carpal tunnel.

            In any event, many in the (primarily, but not exclusively Conservative) media have posited that should George Zimmerman get off scot free, and tear some sh*t up. The Sanford Police Department is apparently so weary of such an outcome that they commissioned this video to preemptively beg people to chill the f*ck out.[1]

            Honestly, that video makes we wanna riot. Seriously, what in the hell was that? Rap? Spoken word? Acapella dub step? Liturgical dance? Huh? Did I miss something here?

            BTW, I love how they put the white cop in the middle, almost as if to imply that they're gonna protect white people from angry Negroes, no matter what happens. #message #3rdeye #thatsh*tisracist

            Anyways, I just don't see a repeat of the Rodney King Riots should Zimmerman walk (which I suspect he will now). Black people are smart enough to know that the Feds watchin' venting by stealing a plasma TV is both wrong and impractical. I mean, the boxes are so big, and damn near impossible to fit in a back seat. I might grab a PS4, but they ain't even out yet.[2]

            Times have changed, and people have other vehicles for venting. Thus, I think people will take to the streets (aka: Black Twitter) and express their disdain, and in a few days this'll all boil over. That's it, and that's all.

            Me: I might go down the the Peruvian Chicken joint and steal some napkins. Lots of napkins.

            Question: Are predictions of LA RIOTS 2013!!! overblown? Is the media using an outdated stereotype for the airing of black frustrations.

            [1] Funny... I haven't heard anyone tell gun owners and the kooks who sent Zimmerman hundreds of thousands for his defense team to preemptively calm down should he be found guilty of something or other. Wonder why...

            [2] Jokes.

            Wednesday, July 10, 2013

            Ashy Or Classy?!? Lebron James Is (Apparently) A Rapper Now.

            Let's be 100% honest here: there isn't a single black man in America that doesn't think he can rap.[1] I'd go a step further and assert that roughy 50% of all black men under the age of 40 have either...

            1) Recorded a rap song or
            2) Made a beat.

            Personally, I've done both of the above, and while nobody else (other than my family) may agree with me, I consider myself fairly decent at both. My brother and I once recorded an entire 12 song album one weekend after he was unexpectedly snowed in at my house.[2] It's really not that hard, and thanks to technology (ie: FL Studio) it isn't even expensive anymore. If you have a computer, a mic, and some imagination, you can make it happen. So it's not wonder why this hood dream is seemingly one shared by darn near everyone. Even if you haven't recorded anything yourself, there's a great chance you know someone who knows someone who did, Six Degrees Of Black Kevin Bacon style.

            I say all of this, because I'm not gonna disparage Lebron James' his right to drop bars when I've done the very same thing myself. No certainly not gonna disparage him for being a , as the "snippet" he released earlier shows.

            Ughhh. With all the money this guy has, couldn't he pay someone for an original instrumental, or download some sh*t off DatPiff? Jesus, how many random Negros have already ruined "N*ggas In Paris" since 2011? Did we really need a 1,022,392,231st? No.

            I don't even care what the finished product sounds like: 3 1/2 bars of struggle is more than enough for me to declare this Ashy.

            Question: Ashy Or Classy? Does Bron Bron have a future in the rap game? Do you rap/produce/sang? Be honest.

            [1] Not na'er one. I bet even Clarence Thomas thinks he coulda been in the Sugar Hill Gang.

            [2] Before anyone asks, no I will not be sharing said songs, because it's just a hobby my family/friends and I occasionally mess around with. Don't bother.

            Tuesday, June 18, 2013

            Ashy Or Classy?!? - A Really Awful Music Video.

            Yeah, I'm only about two years late with this. Whatever. It's new to me, and it's funny as hell.

            If your life isn't complete without seeing this guy perform live at what appears to be a halfway house, consider this your lucky day.

            Question: Ashy Or Classy?!? Is the "positive message" of this video enough to overcome the complete and utter f*ckery of this guy's "dance steps"?!?

            Monday, June 3, 2013

            New Jersey Cops Shoot (Comical) Gangsta Rap Video. Should They Be Fired Or Is This Free Speech?!?

            I'm sure ya'll think I have two cents on the whole Roy Hibbert "no homo" story. Honestly, I got nothing. Grown men shouldn't use teenage slang when in mixed company. Whether saying "no homo" is any worse than saying "pause" or "that's what she said" is a fair debate. But I think we can all agree this incident was overblown. Again, when in doubt, act your age.

            Speaking of acting your age, witness .
            The music video for the song "Temper Like An Alcoholic," performed by Irvington hip-hop artist "Gat The Great," embodies all the bad stereotypes of a 1990s "gangsta rap" video. In the video, posted on YouTube, three other men flank Gat as the broad-shouldered emcee with the booming voice spits out various homophobic slurs and promise violence against his rivals. One man swings a medieval mace, and a handgun can be seen on "Gat’s" hip.

            In another video, Gat is decked out in a gaudy fur coat and raps from the driver’s seat of an expensive car. He calls himself a "felon for life" and warns other rappers they may have to "meet (his) Smith & Wesson," while pretending to fire a gun at the camera. The lyrics might be tame for a hard-nosed rapper, but Gat and his posse are only part-time musicians.

            Gat is better known as Officer Maurice Gattison, president of Irvington’s police union, and the other three men are decorated township officers. All four are now the subject of an internal investigation because of the video, which has reignited a debate about what police officers can and can’t say. Does the right of free speech trump department rules and regulations when the cops are off-duty?

            Township attorney Marvin Braker said he was troubled by some of Gattison’s lyrics, but the song could be considered protected free speech. Gattison, a veteran cop whom Santiago described as a talented and productive detective, doesn’t understand the controversy. He said he has been rapping since he was a teenager and the insults weren’t aimed at anyone or meant as threats.

            "I’m not doing nothing to nobody," he said. "I could see if I was targeting somebody, but it’s just lyrical exercise."
            And without further adieu, here's the movin' pictures.

            Uhhh, okay then. Could someone tell me what 北京体彩网官方网站boy with the sphinx on his shirt has in his hands? What exactly do you call that?[1] I'd google it, but I'm sure I could get back some unsavory results. Either way, he looks like a damn fool. Then again, these are cops who shot a hardcore rap video in which they flashed their badges and batons. Not really dealin' with a full deck here.

            Still, if you step back and really think about it, should these guys really be in trouble for this? Yes, it's stupid, but does anyone really think this moron would "bang em' wit' the hammer"? Rap is 99% fiction, and when you already have an ex-corrections office atop the rap music charts (#bawse) isn't it pretty much understood this is little more than performance art? Sure, it's behavior unbecoming an officer, but isn't that about the extent of the offense? How is this any different than doing community theater? Not bein' funny here, just askin'.

            If I was a citizen of Irvington, I might be more offended at the fake fur and stolen beats (seriously?) than anything else. But that's just me.

            Question: Should this guy be fired, or do cops also have the right to free speech/expression when off the clock? Should your employer be able to restrict your free speech when off the clock? Any thoughts on the Roy Hibbert "no homo" story?

            [1] "Medieval mace"?!?

            Monday, May 6, 2013

            The Selective Outrage Of Female Rap Fans (aka: Why Does Drake Get A Free Pass?!?)

            "Give away 20 songs to sell one". Personally, I'll just take the 20. [||]

            cRappers might wanna stop giving away so much free music, since ...
            As hip-hop's most unapologetic superstar, Lil Wayne will undoubtedly continue to do what he wants, musically and otherwise, but as of Friday (May 3), he will no longer be able to "Dew" anything for PepsiCo.

            The multinational food and beverage corporation terminated its relationship with perhaps its most popular pitchman of its Mountain Dew soda due to the outcry over his controversial lyric mentioning civil rights martyr Emmett Till.

            "Beat the pu--y up like Emmett Till," Wayne rapped on Future's "Karate Chop (Remix)."

            PepsiCo released an official statement asserting that Weezy's "offensive reference to a revered civil rights icon does not reflect the values of our brand."
            So in the past month, we've seen Rick Ross lose a Reebok deal, and Tyler the Creator and Lil' Weezy lose money from Mountain Dew, all for various reasons. I'd be the last one to hate defend these clowns, but I gotta point out the obvious here: cRap fans sure are selective about what they get pissed off about. I mean, Tyler The Creator uses the word "f*ggot" like it's a personal pronoun. Lil' Wayne's entire catalog is full of bars far more egregious (albeit not as historically offensive) than the Emmett Till punchline. And as for Rick Ross, well, the guy is a former law enforcement officer masquerading as a drug lord. If you're gonna suspend reality to that degree because you really liked "Blowin' Money Fast", then why are you getting so worked up over a line about date rape? Clearly, this is the work of a fiction author. And a fairly prolific one at that. #Bawse

            One guy who seems to have curiously escaped any sort of scrutiny, particularly from female fans, is Drake. Yeah, the bi-racial, child-acting, Canadian Jewish kid who passes himself off as a (sensitive) gangster. On the low, Drake's made some downright misogynist music that would make Too Short clutch his pearls, but he gets away with it, because... hell, I really don't know why to be honest with you.

            Well, okay, actually I do: because unlike any rapper this side of James Todd Smith, dude really, really, really knows how to patronize women without actually coming across as patronizing at all.[1] And he does it in a way that's so insightful and respectful that it hypnotizes them into somehow overlooking the fact that he's calling them b*tches just as frequently as his less-sensitive peers.

            I'm not gonna use this post to run down examples. If you've got the inclination, just start at his (admittedly great) initial mixtape "So Far Gone" and work forward to his current work, best embodied by the song "Good Kush & Alcohol".[2]

            To Drake's (semi) credit, he isn't the biggest offender on this track. Lil' Wayne essentially reduces women to a single orifice, which he'd love to defile with regularity. Future's lousy preschooler hook is shared with Drake's anthemic hook.

            "Long As My B*tches Love Me"

            That's poetry folks. Poetry.

            Question: Before you accuse me of just being a hater, answer the question: how come Drake gets a pass?

            [1] Well, guys can smell the patronage, and it to no end.

            [2] I don't listen to FM radio, but just I'm curious... is there a radio edit for this song? Do they bleep out half the words, or do they do some lazy substitution to dumb down the idiocy?