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            Wednesday, December 31, 2008

            Happy New Year From AB.com!!!

            Hey, it's New Year's Eve. What're you doin' here?

            Go eat some black eyed peas. Finish off that egg nog. Party like it's 1999 +10!

            We'll be back at it tomorrow, bright and early. Enjoy yourselves responsibly.

            Happy New Year from AB.com!

            Tuesday, December 30, 2008

            Caption This Photo.

            Why Blacks Don't Like The GOP: Exhibit A.

            [1] And no, I'm not letting the Clintons off the hook for their nonsense either. They were worse than McCain.

            [2] Boxing great Mike Tyson was once married to Steele's sister, just in case you missed that. She was the lightskinted, wavy haired doctor Iron Mike was briefly wed to in the late 90's. Tyson famously lent Steele money to feed his family after a failed business venture. This was all disclosed before Steele became MD Lietenant Governor. And I really shouldn't provide such long explanations.

            [3] Except for Tara Wall, who also comes off as meanspirited and unlikable, yet oddly attractive.

            A DC Basketball Team Worth Cheering For?!?

            Monday, December 29, 2008

            How About Some Good News For A Change?!?

            .[1] Permanently.

            Here's today's AverageSoundtrack&trade. I personally hate Jagged Edge, but couldn't think of anything more relevant.

            That said, we here at AB.com try to do our best to spread good news when it hits. For all those who say two parent households are a thing of the past, peep this.

            Experts say they’re encouraged by U.S. Census statistics indicating more black children are living with two parents, the number rising to 40 percent in 2007.

            The number of black children in two-parent households, which stood at 59 percent in 1970, had fallen as low as 35 percent in 2004, U.S. Census Bureau figures estimate. While social scientists say they’re divided over what the statistical rebound means and are voicing skepticism about an increase so large, others say the shift is potentially significant, The New York Times (NYSE:NYT) reported Wednesday.

            “It’s a positive change,” said Robert Sampson, chairman of Harvard’s sociology department, adding, “It’s been hidden.”

            Andrew Cherlin, a sociology professor at Johns Hopkins University, pointed out that before 2007 a child living with two unmarried parents was usually classified as living with either a mother or a father, rather than with two parents as is now the case.

            “I think the news is that the Census Bureau estimates that about 3 percent of American children are living with two unmarried parents,” he said. “Because of the increases in living-together relationships, this is probably a higher figure than a generation ago.”
            Yeah, I know, 40% isn't great, but don't miss the forest for the trees. That number has jumped an astounding 5% since as recently as 2004. Again, do we have a long way to go? Yes. But is all progress some progress? You betcha.

            The article doesn't list any definitive reasons for why this trend seems to be occurring. The mild blurb about "classification" might explain some of it, but I'm not going to write this good news off as a mere cooking of the books.

            I'm an advocate for two parent households. Yes, single moms can get the job done if need be, but I just don't think there's a better arrangement financially, emotionally, and educationally than a healthy two parent household. The keyword, of course, is healthy.

            Now if we could just work on that healthy marriage thing...

            Question: Why aren't more black people getting married or at least co-habitating for the sake of the children?

            [1] Wow, SNL actually used to be funny. Those were the days.

            The New AB.com! Now With AverageSoundTrack™!

            . I've already gone back and tagged some older posts with the appropriate musical accompaniment.

            In the meantime, you can just peruse a handful of tunes () in my head on any given day. This list will change frequently. If you wanna purchase the songs, the links are there, but I don't get paid by Rhapsody, so do the footwork and purchase via the Amazon.com carousel (further down the page) if you wanna make a sideways contribution to the AverageKidsCollegeFund™.

            If you've got tunes you wanna recommend for the playlist, shoot me a message. If I like it, I'll add it.

            Sunday, December 28, 2008

            Ladies, Take Note.

            Checkout frequent AB.com GuestPoster TheDad from as he breaks down the whole football Sunday thing for the ladies.

            Saturday, December 27, 2008

            Somebody Call CPS!!!

            Friday, December 26, 2008

            Okay, that's enough. I've had it. I am officially renouncing my fandom.

            Last night was a microcosm of the dread that is being a Wizards fan. The team is next to last in the league. They had lost 7 straight. They lead the Cleveland Cavs by 7 on the road with less than 2 mins to go. They never scored again. They lost the game.

            After more than a decade, thousands of dollars spent in tickets, infinite hours watching, talking about, and thinking about the team, I am formally stepping off the Washington Wizards bandwagon. Not that I had much company...

            I know some of you consider dumping your team an act of sacrilege. Well tell the troof and shame the devil. Or however that cliche goes. I'm done.

            Done with watching an organization that wouldn't know a good personnel move if it popped them in the face with an inbounds pass.

            Done with watching a team full of overpaid imbeciles, completely oblivious to their glaring weaknesses.

            Done with caring about a "shooting guard" who shoots barely 30% from the field, but has the gall to do that ignoramus assed "I can't feel my face" gesture when he finally swishes a meaningless 18 footer with his team trailing by 20 late in the 4th quarter. And get a damn shave and haircut while you're at it.

            Done with caring about a "power forward" whose next strong move to the basket will be his first.

            Done with yelling at a team that can't rotate on "D" and stop leaving 3 point shooters open like it's going out of style. I call that play, which seemingly happens every 4th time downcourt, a "Wizards Special".

            Done with caring about a supposedly "Tuff" swingman who couldn't D up if his massive paycheck depended on it.

            Done with caring about a monstrously overpaid "point guard" who can't stay healthy, but spends more time blogging than I do.

            Done with cheering for a man-child big man who won't hit the boards, but seems to hit every club in town. And you get a haircut too while you're at it.

            Done with caring about a two-headed center combo that won't box out for a rebound, but seem to always be boxing each other, literally, in practice. When they're not writing lousy "poetry" of course.

            Done with caring about a carousel of coaches who still can't get the excessively basic concept of defending the pick and roll explained to a group of college dropouts (and never wents).

            Done with going to games, paying $7 for a Budweiser, and sitting amongst "fans" who spend more time watching each other and the Jumbotron than the actual game. It wouldn't hurt you folks to boo sometimes. Yes, even when, especially when, the 北京体彩网官方网站 team is the object of your scorn.

            Done with cheering on a bunch of losers, and feeling like a loser by proxy.

            Done with caring. Period.

            Holla back when you win two in a row. Or don't.

            Question: Am I committing an act of sacrilege by abandoning my team, or am I fully justified in no longer cheering for this merry band of losers?

            Thursday, December 25, 2008

            Merry Christmas From AB.com!

            What the heck are you doin' here? Go drink some egg nog! Open some gifts! Knock some boots!

            See ya' tommorrow, we'll be back at it.

            Merry Christmas from AB.com.

            Wednesday, December 24, 2008

            Steve Harvey vs Katt Williams?!?

            Black people love beefin'. I guess it's somewhere in our DNA. This year alone, we've seen rap beefs, political beefs, hood beefs, R&B sanga beefs, and pastor beefs. Just when I thought I'd seen it all, a new level of Negro Nonsense just pops up. Witness, the comedian beef.

            I don't have time to recap all this, nor do I really even understand how it started. Apparently, currently hot comedian Katt Williams has a beef with alleged King Of Comedy, Steve Harvey.

            I think this whole thing is pretty sad, actually. Both of these guys are over 40, and should prolly know better. But it does make for hilarious radio, as this classic episode of The FoxxHole on Sirius XM last week proved. If you still don't have satellite radio yet, just go put your head in an oven.

            Jamie Foxx and The FoxxHole crew plays Katt Williams' inexplicable diss of Harvey. Steve Harvey then calls in and delivers a self-serving career memoriam. The false humility is literally seeping through the speakers.

            Note: These clips are from a satellite radio show. Cop the headphones!

            Part two. More circle jerking self-aggrandizement as Jamie Foxx and Co. egg Harvey on, and more or less ether poor Baby Gap model Katt Williams in the process.

            This PR stunt for two guys with waning popularity feud will culminate in a big concert on New Year's Eve in Detroit. If I had the means to do so, I'd fly in town to witness this train wreck in person.

            I'll admit, I'm not the biggest fan of either. Williams' brand of pimpin' humor was old after the first 18 times I watched The Pimp Chronicles. Steve Hightower Harvey is only funny because of his neon sherbet green zoot suits and that eraserhead hairpiece he used to rock. His next funny joke will be his first.

            On GP, I'll give Katt Williams the win by a perm. What say ye'?!?

            Question: Who's less un-funny funnier? Steve Harvey or Katt Williams? Who's your favorite comedian? Why do black folks just love beef? Do you like your beef medium rare or well done?

            Yeah, It's A Parody, But It's Funny.

            The Deaf Leading The Blind.

            Tuesday, December 23, 2008

            Taking Pandering To A Whole New Low.

            Caption This Photo.

            Monday, December 22, 2008

            What Would You Do?: The Missing, But Not Really Missing, Gym Bag.

            A few weeks back when I returned to work from paternity leave, I immediately noticed that my gym bag was missing from it's usual spot on the floor next to my desk. After having taken a month away from the Day Job, I was puzzled about how this might have happened. I vividly recalled leaving the bag there when I briefly came back after the baby's arrival to retrieve my laptop. "Why bother taking it 北京体彩网官方网站 if I'm not working out for a month?" I thought. Famous last words.

            The bag didn't necessarily have much of value in it. A pair of Nike slip-ons. Toiletries. Shower shoes. A set of dirty workout clothes (yes, by Champion of course). Weightlifting gloves. $50 total value if washed, $25 if not. Hardly the target of your typical after hours burglar.

            I asked the receptionist if anyone had somehow turned in the bag. They hadn't, but since she was on her job (as usual), she immediately alerted building security. Before I knew it, I had 3-4 members of building management in my office, asking probing questions and apologizing profusely.

            Thefts of personal property are no laughing matter for any property manager in this economic climate, given the rising vacancy rates in commercial real estate. They damn near treated my missing gym bag like an episode of CSI, dusting my phone for fingerprints (okay, not really) and asking me a million questions on my whereabouts. After much hand wringing, they determined that the cleanup crew had either outright stolen the bag, or inadvertently thrown it away. Neither made much logical sense to me, but they asked me if I'd like to file a formal police report, which I opted not to. I really just wanted the whole thing to be over. Still, they promised that corrective action would be taken after the cleanup crew was given the nth degree. Some heads would roll.

            Fast forward a few weeks. I've since moved on with a replacement gym bag and cobbled together the rest of the items. Bag or no bag, I still have to work out, whether in my previous style or not. But everytime I'd run into Lou (not his actual name) the Dominican facilities manager, he'd keep on apologizing for the missing bag, as if his personal pride was effected by the loss. "I just can't figure out what happened to it.", he would continually say in a tone that screamed "I've let you down." I kept telling him it was no big deal, I'd moved on, but I could see the disappointment on his face. I partly wondering if the building management held him responsible for the bag, since he is more or less in charge of hiring and supervising the cleaning crew. I wondered if someone on the crew had copped to the thievery, or simply been accused of it and gotten subsequently canned. Inquiring minds wanted to know, but only so much.

            Anyways, this past weekend, my wife comes in the house and is like, "hey, guess what? I found your gym bag, it was in the truck under the baby's stroller!" So, yeah, I feel like an ass because I'd had the bag all along, and in all likelihood, at the bare minimum, somebody has gotten reprimanded, at worst, given a pink slip for a personal property theft that never actually happened.

            I saw Dominican Lou in the elevator today, and he gave me the same sad "I let you down" look. After all the weeks of (semi) crying wolf, and likely getting someone else in trouble for my own oversight, what should I do?

            Question: What would YOU do? Would you tell Dominican Lou and Co. that the bag was actually at your house, not stolen the entire time, or would you keep this embarrassing episode of Cried Wolf to yourself?

            Sunday, December 21, 2008

            Poll Position: I Think They Like Me.

            Last week, I was having one of those days, and needed an ego boost. So, I put up prolly the most vain and self-serving edition of Poll Position to date, asking you folks exactly what it is that you like about AB.com.

            The results were interesting to say the least.

            So, while I thought you guys were coming here everyday for the investigative reporting and whatnot, it turns out you're just checking by for a daily laugh. I suppose I can live with this, I aim to make everyone's day a bit brighter, and if this happens via jokes, so be it.

            My general spin on current events (Commentary, 20%) was a distant second. The ever nebulous "Style of Writing" came in a close third. Somewhat interestingly, the interaction with the rest of AverageNation™ on the comment boards garnered a scant 2% of all votes. Read into that what you will.

            This week's poll is seasonal, so get at it before it no longer makes sense.

            What's On AB's iPod? : The World's Greatest Rap MegaMix.

            Saturday, December 20, 2008

            Soulja Girl Is Back.

            Seems like Soulja Girl has her life together. Amen.

            Here's the original, just in case you were under a rock all year.

            Friday, December 19, 2008

            Why Did I Get Married?!?

            Fired For "Sloppy Seconds"?!? Wigga Please.

            Thursday, December 18, 2008

            Caption This Photo.

            WorkPlace 101: They All Look Alike To Me (Too).

            Part of any respectable Corporate Negro's hu$tle is learning how to assimilate, especially when you're often the only person of color in the room. Perhaps even more dire is when you happen to be one of only a handful of Negroes in your particular office/division. Because inevitably, some strange bullshiggedy is gonna pop off by sheer virtue of weakness in numbers.

            This is seldom more evident than when there are two black men that work in the same circles, but are the only two such people in said circle. In my professional career, I've been mistaken or called "that other black guy in the office" more times than I'm willing to admit. I lost count years ago.[1]

            The scenario is usually the same. Some well-meaning colleague tries to go beyond the "sports and weather" small talk and say something nice and personal to you. They vaguely recall some new baby pictures and a birth announcement being forwarded in an email weeks ago. And you get asked the question you already saw coming a mile away.

            "So how's your baby daughter doing?

            As ya'll know, I have a starting backcourt of two boys. The "other black guy" in my division has a girl.

            {Cue the "awkward silence" music.}

            I usually inform them that I have boys only, and you can literally see the embarrassment balloon floating over their heads.

            Aww crap, that other black guy has the daughter.

            I take this gracefully and we usually enjoy a laugh. But it does offend me when the higher ups in whose hands my career literally hangs refer to me by name as that other black guy. I mean, damn, how hard can this be? There's only two of us. You've got a 50/50 chance of getting it right. Rote memorization and consulting the employee phone list for a photo could eliminate any confusion. Never mind the fact that that other black guy and I are about 5 inches, 20 pounds, 10 years, and two complexions apart. But we're both black, right?

            But perhaps the most egregious example I've ever seen occurred the other day. Our Winter holiday party took place the recently, and like most companies, someone takes photos and emails them to the rest of the office once the alcohol wears off. It's commonplace for the designated shooter to add cutesy, but never offensive comments in the name of fun. So, imagine the insult when I saw this bullsh*t.

            [Editor's Note: I couldn't use the real office pic for obvious reasons. Of course the photo is Keyshia Cole's family, but don't lose focus. Pay attention to the captions in the simulated photo.]

            The photo they sent out had "The Other Black Guy" and two black women sitting beside him smiling. And the caption?!?

            "How did {other black guy's real name redacted} get two beautiful women to go with him – I thought he was married?!?"

            I know what you're saying, what's the big deal, right?

            Well, Woman #1 WAS his wife.

            Woman #2? She just happens to be a sales manager who works in the same building as the rest of us and sits two offices down from the shooter.

            Yep, they all look alike to me, too.

            Tell em' 北京体彩网官方网站girl from fruitless "they all look alike" Youtube search results...

            Question: How do you handle those awkward "they all look alike moments"?

            [1] I know this sorta undermines my point, but how many of ya'll flipped to the football game and thought "why is Omar Epps coaching The Steelers"?

            Wednesday, December 17, 2008

            Brother, Can You Spare A (Cabinet) Job?!?



            TREASURY SECRETARY: Timothy Geithner, president of Federal Reserve Bank of New York.

            SECRETARY OF STATE: Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y.

            ATTORNEY GENERAL: Eric Holder, former deputy attorney general.

            DEFENSE SECRETARY: Robert Gates, holdover from Bush administration.

            北京体彩网官方网站LAND SECURITY SECRETARY: Gov. Janet Napolitano, D-Ariz.


            When Keepin' It "Swirl" Goes Wrong.

            Ashy Or Classy?!? : Regions Of Rock KidsWear™.

            Tuesday, December 16, 2008

            "Arab Money": Racist Tripe Or Bangin' Track?!?

            , but getting on the N.O.R.E. diet and completely letting yourself go isn't the best idea either. Dude has Arab Tummy.]

            [1] Never mind the fact that no rapper has ever apologized to black women for all the "B's and H's" over the years. I was just listening to Ludacris' "Area Codes" on Sirius this morning and wondering how he got away with that nonsense scot-free.

            if you wanna take it for a spin first.

            Happy holidays! Fellas, try to act surprised when you unwrap it.

            Monday, December 15, 2008

            Someday very soon, the not-so-lovable losers in Detroit will get a bailout after all. No, I'm not talking about trading Brett Favre to the Lions, I'm talking about The Big Three getting your tax money to further run the American automotive industry into the ground. My thoughts on the bailout are well known: I'm against it. What's next? Bailouts for other obsolete and sagging industries like newspapers, Lad Mags, and MMA?

            That said, most of the discussion surrounding the misfortune of American automakers involves their awful union contracts and the quality of the cars they're creating. That's all quite true. But at the root of their downfall rests another issue nobody seems to be discussing: folks don't care about "buying American" anymore.

            Exhibit A.

            That's not how you sell a new car. Never mind the fact that I don't believe for a moment that that Chevy truck clocked 2M miles without a new motor. For the right amount of money, you can rebuild practically any car. That's hardly a selling point. "This is my truck?" Yeah, that's sure exciting. I'm headed to buy be a Ch... zzzzzzzzzzz.

            You want selling points? I'll give ya' selling points. Peep Exhibit B.

            So, for the mere cost of an overpriced Tahoe, I too can pull a truckload of waifish models of undetermined ethnicity? Hand me them lease papers now, sonn!!!

            The concept of buying a foreign car was like speaking Swahili to AverageGranDaddy. The man literally lived, ate, and slept Buicks. His job was fixing the massive automobiles, and the old man took pride in his work. He'd pull up to the house in his pea green land yatch LeSabre everyday around 6pm, tired from a long day of fixing axles and changing oil at our local dealership, but you could tell that he really believed in his product and felt he was a small part of something bigger. The day I got my first car (a Mazda) and pulled up to his house to show him, the disappointment on his face was undeniable. I'd basically crapped on his life's work and gone and bought a piece of Japanese junk. It would be years before he stopped razzing me for this, and honestly, he was right. That Mazda 626 was a piece of Japanese junk. I'm not saying I'd have been better off with a Buick, but still.

            Anyways, that "my Dad bought a Chevy, so I'll drive a Chevy" ethos is part of what used to keep generations of families hooked on particular line of cars, but you seldom if ever see such a sentiment nowadays. This is partly because there's more competition now, but mainly because US automakers haven't kept pace with Asia and Europe and are creating cars that are neither reliable, nor desirable. And it makes me wonder, does brand loyalty even matter anymore?

            I'm not particularly brand conscious, and usually just buy whatever's the most cost effective, high quality product, despite where or by whom it's made. Since that Mazda debacle, I haven't touched another car that isn't made by Honda, and probably never will. And while I don't pledge allegiance to any particular brand of shoe, I am a total and complete fiend for Champion Brand athletic apparel.

            I grew up in a small, lazy town where the Champion plant was the only employer of note. At one point, probably half the town's population worked there, and they were great corporate stewards. They sponsored uniforms and outfits for all the schools' sports teams, and liberally opened their employee store so townies could get massive discounts on anything they wanted every week. The crowing jewel was when the Original Dream Team's uniforms were all manufactured in my 北京体彩网官方网站town's factory. Watching MJ, Bird, Magic and company emasculate foes in Barcelona carried an additional level of civic pride I'll never forget.

            Although the plant eventually folded, leading to massive layoffs and extreme unemployment, I still hold the brand dearly. I literally have dozens of Champion Brand shorts, dry-fit tees, track pants, pullovers, sweats, and socks in my closet. The stuff is sold at Target now, and it's always great quality for a good price. I probably wear some piece of Champion apparel every day. It's comical to the point that my kids (the ones I coach) sometimes "count the number of C's" I'm wearing when I show up for practice.

            Yeah, they kinda stiffed my 北京体彩网官方网站town, and after losing the NBA and NFL outfitting contracts awhile back, they're not nearly as popular as they used to be, but Champion has got a loyal customer here.

            Question: Are there any brands of automobile, clothing, food, etc. that you will absolutely swear by? Assuming you don't own one now, what would The Big Three have to do to get you interested in buying an American car again?